Living on the edge.

The song playing in my head as I woke up from my afternoon nap was Jodeci's Cry for You. Now, it might sound odd to some—having a song playing in your head as you wake up—but that’s been the story of my 44 and a half years. There is always a song in my head, and somehow, it always resonates with where I am emotionally. Today, it’s no different.

I find myself crying for someone so intensely, and I’m not even sure why. I feel him, see him, and relate to him on so many levels. For some reason, I am profoundly drawn to him, missing him in ways that don’t make logical sense—especially considering that I’ve never actually had him.

I’m leaving the company where we both work in about five weeks. That will likely be the end of it. I may never know if there was something real between us or if it was just a massive infatuation fueled by lust and unspoken possibilities. Deep down, I’m convinced there was more. I’m not delusional; I felt the tension, the risks, and the unspoken connection. Yet, here I am, questioning if I was just dreaming it all up.

It’s a sad reality to find myself dreaming of someone making love to me, not knowing if he feels the same or if this is all in my head. This has been my reality for the past 10 months. Maybe I’m delusional, or perhaps I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. The truth is, I’ve never experienced such an overwhelming pull toward someone—maybe because I know I can’t have him.

The tears keep flowing, a relentless reminder of this longing. The last time I felt something even remotely similar was when I was 19. That was the first time I fell deeply, only to lose the fairytale. I moved on and thrived, but it took years to heal from that heartbreak.

Now, I’m married, yet here I am, unable to shake the feelings I have for this man. I’ve tried everything—cutting the cords, telling him in my head that it wasn’t meant to be, even pleading telepathically for him to leave my life. But nothing works. Something inside me aches in ways I can’t describe, and despite my best efforts, I can’t seem to let him go.

Maybe the truth is, I don’t want to.

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