Snapped at Breaking point

 I write this blog rather angrily, something I ran from in my life, was to be totally angry at the world and the circumstances within. I drove to work, merely telling myself to live in the now and accept everything now. That is all I wanted. Was now. And maybe this is my now to be angry at the world around me. But the breaking point snapped me. Years ago they used to call me the Ice Queen at work, and it was so unfair as I was actually a gentle soul, with so much love to give until I realized that I needed to save it for someone who actually deserved it. And hence why I just didn't make friends, or find myself in crowds of people because all people seem to do is take all you have, deplete your energy and cause more pain than happiness. That was just as far as I could take it. I realized and wondered what sparked this, but it was nothing that happened recently, but what did happen before this, and quite frankly I am in this because of circumstances and situations that I probably had visioned and created. I feel punished. As though you Bad Girl, whatever have you done that was right in your life. And feeling sorry for myself is probably just this, but my golly it should be at bay by now. Get married to bury your spouse. Even though the eyes were wide opened when he did die, that I sat through the shit for eight and a half years in misery. Get a few dogs, only to give them away. Raise brats, only for them to show loyalty to their mothers. Try to adopt a baby, only to be shunned away because it was a boy not a girl. Move jobs, because someone emotionally and personally did not like you. Meet an old boyfriend, you were totally smitten with only to be disappointed that he was a drug addict. Meet my new husband only to be casted away by the spirit of cheating that I have shut down from the love which was blossoming, and I can't get it back. Stuck in a job that does not pay  me what I am worth. Living in a flat that is surrounded by weed smokers. Lose my one pet I chose to keep which was a bird, and she died a week later. Get Alex, my other bird who I must say lights up my night when I return home. In so much debt that I had to leave it all behind and forget about it praying it goes away. To having a miscarriage on the pregnancy I have yearned for for years. Look at that big fucking mess. In all of that, my light as I type was only my bird. Is that so hard to love a bird alone? I am done fixing and mending and creating and analyzing and sorting and driving and making and doing and being and relying and asking. I am done pretending I am stupid. Done pretending that I don't have the world as my oyster. Pretty upset that I bought a voucher to purchase a piece of the moon, only to find that it is even more expensive to use the voucher to buy it. And my bucket list, became the fucking became the broke list, because it seems that everything that I want, everything that I want costs money. The car I want to drive, the food I want to eat, the house I want to live in, the dresses I want to buy. I can't even afford to take out a penny to buy my husband a tracksuit pants in this ever cold winter ahead of us. How is that for a beautiful life under a dark cloud. I thought I was done with the cloud. I dreamt last night that there was a baby that was in the womb, lying on my shoulder, with a heart beating. That is all I wanted was my baby to have a beating heart. Is that too much to fucking ask. Or was I blind enough to know that hey wait Gillian only gets the drama and the shit that comes with all her sad soppy stories, and so hypersensitive that I have to snap out of it. That is what it is, I have to snap out of it, not snap at breaking point. This is where I am, at breaking point. At the very reason, I shy away and go into a hiding place, because I am not judged when it is just me and Buddha. Did I choose this shitty road? Did I cause so much mayhem that I am behind on my rent, or truly speaking living as if I have when I don't. Always smiling so no one sees my ultimate tears that I cry. They can be an ear, but are they able to help you get out of the jungle. Only you can get yourself out of the mess. And trust me, I am at serious face stage. I refuse to be courteous to anyone else for that matter. I asked my husband if he thought I was pregnant again? Because the anger has arrived, and it sure as hell got me rather offended and disappointed in myself. I deserve more from me, and here I am, trying to blog again. Just to release some tension. And fuck it does not seem to be working. So I leave you with this, shit will get better, but right now, I am rolling in it, because it is now right? Right! Peace. G xxx